i am who i am?

today.. suddenly.. i thought about this question. pretty emo. but i guess it makes pretty much a sense.

are you who you are?

everytime when you do something, speak, express.. is that really the true you?

are you forced? do you feel happy?

everytime after talking to my supervisor.. i'll ask myself.. "hey, did i say something wrong just now"

and that was NEVER happening during school days. or rather.. maybe it did happened once or twice. but i'm sure it has never happen more than the times i asked myself after sitting in my supervisor's car.

maybe i'm just stupid. i'm just too direct.

but sometimes i really find it purely disgusting to fake something out. to have the sheepish laughter. why is it SO damn hard for ppl to accept others in their pure natural form? i really wonder. i thought really hard.

why is it possible for me to talk to my friends and colleagues at a super duper ME attitude and not my supervisor.

the problem came in. actually i'm really scared of being backstabbed. really scared of smarter people that will outsmart you and thus make use of you. i don't know.

there won't be a forever foe or friend. that's wad jr told me today. made quite a bit of sense.

am trying not to think of work after working hours. but i frowned upon this question when it suddenly popped into my little pea brain.

i think i shall remain quiet from now on. it'll be not so me but i guess.. i've got to learn it. give face. sigh. face. i felt like slapping him. =/

miss lao sai

pengz man. today my stomach like weird weird one.. feel like shitting every now and then..

all i ate yesterday was watermelon in the day and ding tai feng for dinner. but boy at the same thing as me during dinner. wad could possibly go wrong?

this week is pretty slackish. with a public holiday that falls on my working day.. HEHE! and no night class on thurs plus half day on tues~ WEEE! just that fri evening got company dinner. wad a waste of time.

with some free time on hand.. i'm going to book my mani/pedi.. facial.. as well as call my ex supervisor out for lunch. =) i hope this week pass slowly.

the F1 race caused quite a bit of trouble for the past few days. jam. everywhere also jam jam jam! i'm pretty lucky that for the whole of this week, my supervisor offered to send us home! HAHA! but i kinda regretted taking his car on friday. sibei pukey can. cos everywhere is slow traffic/jam. thus it took me a freaking hour to get home from clementi. and imagine the break then go break then go. sitting in the car for an hour is just not so nice afterall! oh wells. mai complain. =/

my chop chop is taking ages to arrive. sian.

went shoopppinng yesterday!! HEHE! bought a top from zara. very very nice! think i'm going to wear it for the co's dinner. together with a 3 quarter pants. love love. but sickening. that top must send for dry cleaning. cannot hand wash. cos it's 100 percent silk.

went red star with boy in the morning. standard kinda drop. alil over rated i must say. cos when we left, we saw many ppl queuing. the egg tarts are not piping hot anymore though.

feeling tired. shall sleep early tonight. i miss my friends. i'm having a no-life life now.

now i know..

i think end of the month = super duper poor lehz. i'm feeling so pork pork now. =(

come boy.. GIB ME MONEY! hehe!

i voiced out to max about the work load thingy and guess what, he gave us very little work to do today! HEHE! i'm so happy can! i think he must have thought about it! but.. sometimes nice ppl can be a killer too. i guess i've to be aware!

so sad sad sad

i just received a piece of sad news. my colleague.. pretty rachel will be quitting real soon. next week in fact. SO SADDENING. she's a good person to gossip about. she's from china.. but is really different from all the other china people that i've seen!

=(

but on the other hand, i'm really happy that she got another job that's really near her home and she don't need to do sales. just handle existing customers. great right? i'm sure she'll like there cos from her home to work is fucking two hours journey. kee siao right! i'll go mad one. haha!

i guess working life is like that. ppl come ppl go. how long m i going to stay? i really wonder.

POLITICS

i've got this sudden urge to blog something really touchy in the society.

and no prizes for guessing it right..

it is.. politics.

i think most of us can be politicians! cos we play our game of politics.

today i was very frank to my supervisor. and true enough, at one point i realised my mistake. a supervisor can never be a friend. however, i'm pretty lucky that it's only a part time. and i'm not going to make the same mistake in future.

it's a bitch from my working place back to home. car drive. close to an hour. take bus plus mrt. close to an hour. jam. big fuck jam.

I HEART MAC's PHOTOBOOTH

ok. i'm abit wols. BUT i really love photobooth.

today while searching for MAC's chess game.. hehe! was bored. not that i've got nothing to do, in fact, i've got lots to do BUT hehe.. i've decided that design must have idea then can right!! hehe!!

here are some that i've experimented.. HAHAH! i've got more than 90 pictures.. but only saved the first batch.. cos.. evening.. max came.. didn't manage to save.. =( but don't worry! i'll save them on WEDNESDAY!! hehe! i'm so lucky that the painting is on tuesday. and internet will be up very soon! LOVE LOVE can..

the ugly working world

today. i talked to one of my ex colleagues. and he happened to be a very experienced freelancer. he told me something really very important and i guess it'll be deep down in my heart. and i actually used it today. just very now.

he said"my exboss told me, when we are climbing up the ladder, treat everyone nicely. cos we'll see them when we are down"

so true. and just now i opened my email and got a reply straight in my face from this client. he said that my rates are too high etc. added a tinge of sarcasm by ending with BEST OF LUCK.

and i grit my teeth and apologise and asked what's his budget and will try to work with it.

in my heart.. i felt like saying.. for godsake. no one wants to help you to do that's why you come to me. i actually fly his aeroplane when i was looking for a full time job. told him that i'll come down for an interview and then i didn't turn up because it was fucking far. AND then this morning i received his sms saying that he wants me to work part time $6.50 per hour. 12-6pm. and i rejected him stating that my current pay is prolly higher. being cheapo and budget, he said he cannot afford. being NICE of me.. i say i can do freelance.. then email started.

if he's co is so damn good, then dun find me. and guess wad, his first email was praising my website. saying that he loved it. pengz.

even if i need money for my high maintainance life, i also won't go below my dignity and pride. fucker. HAHA! ok lar. it's a small matter. i guess i must start to face the ugliest things in life like insults and sarcasm. cos i guess it'll only get worse when i go into the bank to work. haha! wo de tian ar....

i think i very long nv post pics liaoz. my camara's cable is greenish. think rusty plus moldy liaoz. yucks. it's actually a calling for me to go to bed and not think of posting up any pictures!

i put on my ear plugs and hugged my study guide

HAHA!

ya. that's how things are.. i didn't do much revision though i noe i should have done it on a regular basis. not able to sit down on my chair for more than 15 mins makes revision even harder. not understanding the tough english and finance vocab makes me sleepy. and the pictureless plus colourless study guides makes my mind drift to lalaland. so tell me. what am i capable of? sleeping lar!

i've always wanted to paste a picture of a grasshoper that i've capture in my camara since last week. but being so lazy to plug in my cable. i've decided to put ON HOLD.

this week was pretty nice. a co asked me to do freelance which i noe by right it's against my current co's rules however.. i think it'll work by left since i'm being paid less than sufficent. it's not that i'm saying it's not enough.. but it's alil hard to maintain my high maintainance lifestyle.

work has always been hectic. but i guess it's good as i do not have to bring it home and time passes very fast. however, i'm feeling the mental drainage that it has caused. school has been ok. though econs is still a killer and i'm still stuck at parts of maths.. but more or less.. i know what i'm doing. not really in a maze. friends are good. we even wanted a study group! and lucern's willing to teach me in my maths! HAHA!

talking about maths.. a LONG LONG lost friend found me through friendster!! haha! yup. he used to sit beside me during my p5. and he's really GOOD at maths.. haha!! but it's not a happy thing afterall! cos it just shows that my fat baby face hasn't changed for the LONGEST time. eeks. but he said something that i like.. NU DA SHI BA BIAN!! =) is it good? haha! happy.. guess i'll also ask him my maths provided he's free. he's going to for NTU's maths and econs. power right! ya. he's smart one lar.

yesterday i went SHOPPING. but didn't get anything in the end. boy bought himself a blazer from g2000. 20 % off using uob card. saw a pretty top but TOO bad.. dun have my SIZE. think i must be too late. went over to dorothy perkins and saw a top.. TOO BAD also.. dun have my size also. =( HOWEVER, i saw a PRETTY dress at FCUK. wah laoz. got my size.. but then hor.. it's freaking EXPENSIVE can.. $189. yes. that's.. 3 days pay!! for a dress! but i loved it. went over to isetan scotts to find the brand irregular choice and guess wad! i saw my fav boots.. but boy dun like. he say ugly. ugly meh!! i tot it was nice. red base plus white poka dots! he said looks like fishmonger's boots. pengz! then i saw a grey low cut boots.. HEHE! see bah. it costs 250. think i'm better off going for PEDDER RED's shoes instead. cos the quality is not there just that the design is chio. i better wake up my idea! and i wanna get a t and co ring. u see. HIGH maintainance girl spotted. i think i better take up the freelance. haha! arbo how to buy buy buy! and i'm suppose to save up for rainy days too. =( why must my eyes see so many things.. later my heart itchy itchy!

talking about shopping yesterday.. i was wearing this dress that i've bought from livejournal and guess wad, i saw a skinny girl wearing the exact same dress going down the escalator. i was so sian half man. =( luckily my belt was different. else we can be twins liaoz. and luckily orchard is big man. think that dress shall belong to school liaoz. going to wear it to school instead.

ok. think it's a long week's of post. hopefully next week i'll have time to post up the grasshoper's pictures. till then. ta-ta.

kop this picture from facebook. thurs night after school. but i didn't bowl. cos my nails will break. my nails is precious ok! haha!

if you say it's a habit, i say bullshit

HAHA! why the above?

cos when i asked a smoker about something.. he said smoking is a habit. and today i recalled it on my way home.. and found out that it actually rhymes. smoking IS bad for health. and i guess i can never understand why do smokers wanna smoke instead of using the money for shopping? HEHE!

had a really nice and sweet plus short time with my polymates yesterday night. right after school! see how much i missed them!! come and study accounting and finance lar. let's chiong for the sake money. not saying that designers can't earn much. but, i guess.. the market isn't really here? or rather.. i think it takes a very hardworking plus talented designer to earn big bucks. just like bin. however, i'm a lazy plus not very talented designer. so.. i'm better off working for money and not passion. PASSION.

but well, at the end of the day, as long as one is happy can liao right! as long as you are happy and you are responsible, i'm sure ur decision is right! life is short, live life happily!

wo de ma ar!!!

omg.. i just finished my accounts lesson. bth. really lost lost lost. actually.. not exactly lost.. but just that debit and credit is a tad confusing.. economics is WORSE lar! =(

but it's great... everytime i'll have.. isabelle sitting on my left and ian sitting on my right! hehe! isabelle is so so smart in accounts! think i've got to leech on her!! .. no no ... should be... learn from her!! haha!!

ian's really a nice guy! he sms me the class again today! i think from what i hear from his mouth.. he sort of think about others first before himself.. nice. cos it's really rare to find such ppl these days.. especially in our modern and fast paced society. but he talks really slowly and softly lehz!! can sleep!! haha!!

ate macd today.. and guess what.. ian didnt touch his fries because he said that they failed the standards.. then isabelle and i were.. OMG. as in there were shades of yellow/browns.. so he say they fail cannot eat. really dotx lehz! but then again.. think it's all self preference right.. he said that if let say in america.. we can exchange the whole thing for another set of meal in a voucher form.. isabelle and her boy think that it's the oil that's the problem. well.. maybe? i always though that all fries look the same.. kfc's is whiter.. or rather pale in colour.. so i think it passes the standards? shrugs.

work school work school work. i'll see if i can cope. last night.. i just felt like peng san-ing.. cos very tired lehz.. and then by the time i reached home.. i still have to iron my clothes for the next day.. pack my school bag.. etc.. =( so no life. but i really need the experience as well as the money!! i wanna go shopping!! i ish wu yao ke jiu liaoz!! haha!!

first day as a.. part-time.. DESIGNER..

WOOT!! pay is good. so means what? must work HARD lar!!! =)

though a part of me just wish that the boss will choose me after one month.. but another part me me says maybe it'll be just up to fate!! cos if i can't cope.. i'll have to quit at the end of the day.. i dun wan to jeopardize my studies.. but it's horrible if i tio fire lehz! like not very nice right? i'll feel sad.. it just means that i'm very lousy! and i hate to feel lousy! i'm already so lousy in studies liaoz.. if lousy in design.. think i'm better off being a tai tai. yes. a tai tai. confirm i won't be lousy one! i know the nicest place to cut hair.. the nicest place to do nail.. the best nail artist.. the best facial place.. etc! HAHA!

but it was really disgusting when i had another interview at kallang. if it's a design firm at kallang and they do graphics for packaging for casual games.. PLEASE DO NOT GO THERE AND WORK. SURE REGRET. cos they ish very BUDGET one! and the person that interviewed me SUCKS big time! he kinda think that while i'm studying... i won't have the heart to do my best. and then right.. he just puts me off when i say i didn't really do freelance work before. but it's so wth right! like very stupid. no experience in freelance then can't do freelance.. then he say if work part time.. one day he can only provide.. $50-60!!! wo de TIAN AR!! aiyo!! maybe i'm just not suitable huh! shall not rant on and on.. else think tonight can't sleep!

sometimes i sort of lose my self confidence subconsciously. =(

but i believe.. nothing's more important than health and happiness. =) kai xin jiu hao!!!!

. . .

classes. leagues.

i'm so going to JIAN FEI man.. isabelle is jian-fei-ing.. and i'm feeling so fat all of a sudden. flabby arms.. carrot legs.. bulging hippo tummy.. what's more? my face is like a hamburger can!! and.. guess wad.. haha.. today when i decided to eat lesser.. my mum asked "wan to order kfc?" pengz!! hehe! but i ordered instead! delicious! it's been sometime when i've eaten kfc! so it's ok right?? HEHE! but this is the second fastfood meal i've eaten for this whole week.

to keep track of my finance.. i've noted down every little thing that i've spent on.. for example.. $2.20 old chunkie fish and wedges. they are really good! remember to ask the auntie for packet chilli!!! =)

Job will be starting on monday. alil nervous. but somehow.. i'm pretty skeptical about this. i hope that i can cope. mum's not giving me any pressure on studies and money side. however, i'm feeling it. i go to school and 70 percent of the time.. i do not really understand or rather absorb. i feel so stupid. =(

that boss wanted to try me and another designer out and he said that after one month.. he'll either pick me or another designer. depending on performance. crap.

my course materials are on the way from london~~ wee!! finally! it's a long wait!!

i'm a happy girl X1000

HEHEH! you noe why i'm so happy? because today is the first time.. me, ian, isabelle and her boy go for LUNCH! haha! quite nice lehz actually! i just love their companionship! =)

today i changed my sociology module to banking and finance. but it's a part time module.. so it'll be in the evening.. urgh.. crap.. but it's quite good also.. why? cos then i'll only have school on two days!! HAHAHA! good right!

ya! wish me all the best for tml's interview!! i'm actually quite excited.. but if i dun get the job right.. i think it's fine.. cos hor.. it's so inaccessible lehz!! very ulu pandan place! some industrial place.. but if got direct bus from my house then good! hehe! will ask boy to source out for me! ok lar.. but i think part time design job is also very important.. i need the experience seriously..

today's econs and accounts bombed me.. i was BLEW out of the window can.. damn tired and i couldnt concentrate.. wah laoz. wad balance sheet.. credit.. debit.. i only know.. i ish hong gan liaoz. can go eat shit.. big pile of shit! sian.. =( and still got asset.. liability.. etc.. poof.. *bang wall*
i really hope ian can take banking and finance module instead of business management! HAHA!!

2 NEW friends!

WEEE~~ today i made 2 new friends... isabelle and nadia! =)

i think i'm going to take business management with ian instead of boring old sociology. it just sucks big time.. it's SUPER no use can!

theory makes me sleep. =X hehe!

went to print my namecard today because i'm going for interview on wednesday. wasted 30 bucks! just on test print.. to all the guys out there.. DO NOT go to ben quick there to do your printing. i had no choice because double A could not print my yellow out.. everytime also print green! end up i think i tio chop lor. test print also need money one. and the test print is actually to see the actual name card mah. of course need to test print! else how i noe wad will the namecard be when it's out! wad if they give me very sala front and back. yucks.

because of low budget.. i printed out and cut myself. 30 bucks. for.. 70 passable namecards.. HAHA! approx.. 40cents per piece.. if it can get me a part time designer job.. why not hor? that's a big fat IF lar..

and i'm suppose to print my notes out.. but i'm just feel THAT lazy.. wanna watch shows..

sian ar.. tml morning lessons again.. this week is maggie mee week.. cos why? I wanna buy more chop chop! HAHAHA!!

and psb got one thing good liaoz.. that monday lecturer last min cancel class right?? now i got 5 dollars popular voucher lehz! haha! our transport fees!! =) cheaper books liaoz! yes!!

i'm going to bath bath bath..